It's that time of the year when friends are away, and life is still, allowing pause for thought.

I re-read my journal for 2007, and realise how far I have travelled, and how I have not travelled at all. I remain me, a complex mix of humanity.

One thing I had failed to follow through with was researching this poem by Thomas Merton:

Song: If You Seek

If you seek a heavenly light
I, Solitude, am your professor!

I go before you into emptiness,
Raise strange suns for your new mornings,
Opening the windows
Of your innermost apartment.

When I, loneliness, give my special signal
Follow my silence, follow where I beckon!
Fear not, little beast, little spirit
(Thou word and animal)
I, Solitude, am angel
And have prayed in your name.

Look at the empty, wealthy night
The pilgrim moon!
I am the appointed hour,
The “now” that cuts
Time like a blade.

I am the unexpected flash
Beyond “yes,” beyond “no,”
The forerunner of the Word of God.

Follow my ways and I will lead you
To golden-haired suns,
Logos and music, blameless joys,
Innocent of questions
And beyond answers:
For I, Solitude, am thine own self:
I, Nothingness, am thy All.
I, Silence, am thy Amen!


It's good to realise it is OK to be alone, but aware that others are so close in a myriad of ways.

Next thing I read tonight is this:

Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes "One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self infatuation and despair... Let him who cannot be alone beware of community"
______________________________________________________________
update: I have been reflecting on Ron Rolheiser who points out that no matter how in love we are with another, how close we get to another human being, in the end we are called to experience loneliness.

Merton, who Ron also quotes, makes the point that our love cannot be enough for another, and it is in noting that, that we rise above our own selfishness and can be there for others.

Ron goes on to say that; when we accept the absurdity that we remain alone even when united with others, we will provide a centre of peace within ourselves where things make sense; and both marriage and celibacy become both possible and beautiful. (c.f. Seeking Spirituality / Holy Longing final paragraphs, Chapter 9)

UPDATE II:
I have since found this study guide which teases out thoughts even more

I've been enjoying K.D. Lang crooning Love is Everything

but this is poignant:

quickly read this:

JESUS
IS
NOWHERE now read it again.

A friend sent me this:

THE 5 FINGERS OF PRAYER

1. Your thumb is nearest to you. So begin your prayers for those closest to you. They are the easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C.S. Lewis once said, a "sweet duty."

2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who teach, instruct, and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, priests and ministers. They need support and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your prayers.

3. The next finger is the tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They need God's guidance.

4. The fourth finger is our ring finger. Surprising to many is the fact that this is our weakest finger; as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.

5. And lastly comes our little finger; the smallest finger of all. This is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, "The least shall be the greatest among you." By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself much more effectively.

hattip LS

I quit myspace to protest Murdoch on China and Iraq.

I won't Facebook coz what goes in the face book does not stay in the face book - google it ;)

but now I am going to join:

a few emails and chats complaining about lack of posts!!!

Sorry all, life is good and busy, and computer time just isn't there! I mean who needs to blog when one can play scrabble. ;)

Tonight I went to the launch of a new book.

Not just any book but a book full of speeches delivered to THE ST. THOMAS MORE’S FORUM since its' inception in 2005. The book The St Thomas More's Forum Papers 2005 - 2007 can be purchased from Abebooks.

The book includes the talks given over twenty Forums with thirty-one speakers including:

• The Hon Tony Abbott, former Federal Minister of Health and Leader of the House of Representatives

• His Eminence George Cardinal Pell, Archbishop of Sydney

• Kevin Rudd MP, Then Shadow Minister for Foreign Affairs, Trade and International Security now Prime Minister of Australia.

• Mick Keelty, APM, Australian Federal Police Commissioner

• Archbishop Mark Coleridge, Archdiocese of Canberra and Goulburn

The Hon Murray Gleeson, Chief Justice of the High Court, launched the book with reflections on the decline of Catholic Protestant animosity over the last 50 years especially in regard to the Irish community in Australia. Of particular interest was the increasing interest in virtue in the public square, also alluded to by Archbishop Coleridge who also spoke at the launch. An interesting tidbit was to learn of Hon Murray Gleeson relationship to Les Murray Australias' pre-eminent poet.

Both the Chief Justice and the Archbishop reflected on Thomas Mores multi-faceted role model status. The Romanian playwright Eugene Ionesco was cited by both speakers and Erasmus and Saint Ivo of Kermartin were also discussed. Thomas More was noted as the last of the medieval men, whilst Martin Luther was seen as the first 'modern' dude!

St Ivo, the patron saint of lawyers in France, is noted for his tombstone: Sanctus Ivo erat Brito/ Advocatus et non latro/ Res miranda populo. Roughly translated, this means: "St Ives was Breton/ A lawyer and not a thief/ Marvelous thing to the people." Literally translated, it is a quip that refers to the fact that lawyers have a reputation for thievery.

Anyway yours truly got two mentions by two speakers for advice and assistance rendered ;)
and also features in the books' acknowledgments!

Sadly I could not stay for the fine Margaret River wines, and cheesy combestibles as I had to dash off to the Archdiocesan Christmas Party.

And so to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream, I grow old, I grow old, but life is fun!!!

Advent blessings and best wishes for Christmas joy and peace to all my gentle readers.

Thanks for all your support in 2007, a better year than 2006 by far. You are all remembered in my prayers, and I appreciate the wide and diverse ways I have been encouraged and supported by so many, all over the world in the past 23 months!

God bless you one and all.

Times of mirth (1) continued (2)

Animator vs. Animation by *alanbecker on deviantART

AS HARD AS I TRY I CANNOT GET THIS TO SPIN ANTI-CLOCKWISE :(



listening to nature, traffic and bells in central park whilst my ukele gently weeps.

I quit
some background
poke rupert in the eye

meme manipulation!

I quit some background: poke rupert in the eye

meme manipulation!

Spirituality of relationships

International author and psychiatrist Fr Jack Dominian has provided the preface to a book written by Canberra priest and counsellor Fr John Ryan. "A Spirituality of Relationships. The Power of Both/ And" which was launched at a dinner at Ainslie Village on Wednesday, 26 September.

The launch by executive director of the Australia Institute Dr Clive Hamilton benefitted the Home in Queanbeyan project, with over $4,000.00 being donated. 120 people from literally all walks of life gathered at the Ainslie Village to enjoy a wonderful meal, great wine and the guest speakers: Clive, Fr John Ryan and Fr Peter Day. The evening was MC'd by veteran political journalist Paul Bongiorno.


The book may be obtained from the Catholic Bookshop Braddon, telephone 6201 9888, or e-mail bookshop@cg.catholic.org.au Please click _HERE_ to order online.

Whereas Bishop Geoffrey Robinsons book Confronting Power and Sex in the Catholic Church seeks to polarise and is almost heretical in places; Fr Ryans' book attempts to allow a dialogue that can accomodate the past and present into a secure future.

Some have expressed concern about lack of posts, I've been busy!!! The skyes are blue, and sand is golden.

Spring has sprung in Canberra, and the flowers and trees are blooming and blossoming. Some serious rain in late winter has produced wonderful displays of colour.

Last weekend it was time to head off to floriade. Of particualar interest was the beanie marquee, featuring over 90 beanies made from wool, cloth, barbed wire, twistie packet foil and other fibres and yarns.

Life is busy with organising a book launch that is raising money for the home in queanbeyan project. The former Governor General of Australia comments that: "the provision of long-term, supported accommodation for the chronically mentally ill who are presently unable to live with the basic dignity to which every human being is entitled is not simply a 'good idea'. It is an absolute must…."

Currently I am also proof-reading the third book manuscript authors have entrusted me with this year. I must have reached a certain age where what I know and what I don't know does not matter anymore. It is a privilege to be involved with finetuning a book before it is published. :D

Also keeping me occupied is a new blog promoting a book being released next year. See if you can find me posting as "cgo" ;)

Meanwhile, matters outside Australia give me pause. The last few days I have spent time fasting, praying and meditating for the situation in Burma. Today the Catholic News in Australia featured an article: Burma bishops call for prayer.

It seems like only yesterday I was boarding a plane for Cairns for the last school holidays; next week is another week off work, relaxing and having fun...

Trying to grasp the other.
Following the holocaust (world war 2) the Blake prize was established in Australia to encourage Synagogues and Churches to obtain Australian artwork, rather than European works.

Portraits of Osama bin Laden, a madonna wearing a veil a la islam, a toilet bowel representation of an Indian god are some of the recent entries.

The acclaimed winner this year however is a sand / ochre portrait of the stations of the cross by an indigenous artist, Shirley Purdie. This work is confronting, it speaks of a God that belongs to the outback, to the desert. The sand is not the paint of western artists, and has some commonality with buddhist mandalas. It reflects thus the fact that religion is universal. The sand also represents the land that is out there, past western civilizations attempt to conquer Australia.

The Jesus suffering in this art work is abrasive and represents the personal Jesus and the God of the indigenous people of the desert. It is the other, but still is a human endeavour to portray the mystery of a God who becomes personal. It is not the safe European or American art that city dwelling white Australians may have some identification with. The artist has managed to speak of her relationship with her God in this work of art. It also personalises her own history of holocaust as it reflects the massacres of her tribal ancestors 70 - 80 years ago. The 2000 year old western story of the passion of Jesus thus is incorporated into the more recent personal trauma of the last century.

The philanthropist and widow of millionaire businessman Kerry Packer yesterday declared her admiration for the Kushan dynasty second century Seated Buddha, her new $1 million-plus gift to the National Gallery of Australia's Asian art collection.

I recently viewed this statue sans fat belly ;) that has recently been purchased by the NGA. It also speaks of the other to me.

Both works of art challenge my perspective and relationship with spirituality and my attempt to reconcile myself with the created world and the world of eternity.

Both works are mysterious, created by people who are not culturally identifiable to me. Thus I share in the wider humanity and gain some idea that the world is populated by many who do not share my western consumerist ideals, that are shaped also by an attempt to identify with a global christianity. A christianity that can be interpreted in the context of an indigenous community far from mainstream Australian society far from my comfort zone.

Somedays bring home to me the fact that life teaches us far, far more than we ever learn from books. I have been humbled to meet in a circle with others who have experienced loss and heard stories of cruelty that make me weep.

No matter how awful life can treat people, people still dig deep within and find compassion and the ability to move on with life.

I know how much my capacity to live has been diminished over the past 20 months and I struggle greatly to make sense of the betrayal I have suffered. Sure I am to blame for being passive and letting events unfold into utter chaos, and I can understand how the cards I have been dealt in life made chaos happen.

Yet I have so much to be thankful for and know that life will continue to unfold. I can satisfied that there is a time for everything, and this is a new time.

Please pray for me gentle readers that I will choose wisely and embrace the future.

25 metres from shooting
Dan Glaister writes in the Guardian about Kenneth Foster.

Texas is poised to execute a man for a crime he did not commit. While the perpetrator of the murder in San Antonio was executed last year, Kenneth Foster, who was sitting in a car 25 metres away at the time of the shooting, was sentenced to death under the "law of parties".

The controversial Texas law removes the distinction between the principal actor and accomplice in a crime, and makes a person guilty if they "should have anticipated" the crime.

While a federal appeals court declared that Foster's death sentence contained a "fundamental constitutional defect", a legal anomaly means the state appeals court cannot overturn his conviction, there being no new evidence.
After the failure this month of Foster's most recent appeal, the 30-year-old African-American's final hope of avoiding execution on August 30 rests with an appeal for clemency to the Texas parole board and the Texan governor, Rick Perry.

continues here hattip Tina

Fr Michael Whelan writes:

The American Jesuit, William Lynch, speaks of the “absolutizing instinct.” (See William Lynch, Images of Hope, Notre Dame University, 1974, 105-125.) On the basis of this “instinct” – which affects us all in one way or another – we turn means into ends and relative things into absolute things. In other words, this “absolutizing instinct” has us turning the world upside-down. We probably do this, ironically enough, so we can be in charge of the world, even if it is upside down. If that plot sounds familiar, it is because you have read it in the third chapter of the Book of Genesis.

Lynch writes of the consequences of this “instinct” when it is allowed to create an upside-down world:

“The absolutizing instinct is the father of the hopeless and adds that special feeling of weight that hopelessness attaches to everything it touches. It is, in general, the creator of hopeless projects and the creator of idols.” (106)

Lynch goes on to note a particularly sinister aspect to this process. Human beings are inclined to give other human beings absolutized status and power and other human beings are inclined to accept this:

“Such is the need and such the demand of people for gods and absolutes, that it will often be wise to descend slowly but firmly from the throne. It is a pity that this must be. But the fact that there is one God and no more is for all of us, the well and the ill, the most difficult proposition in this world.” (125)

All human lives and all human systems are subject to this dynamic. The “absolutizing instinct” will, sooner or later, make itself felt unless there is constant vigilance and constant work to counter its insidious movements. Even then, it is hard to imagine any system that could remain entirely free of it.


So, I find some understanding. Not sure if it makes total sense, but at least I can comprehend that choices lead to other choices.

After the brain dump yesterday I find myself somewhat sated intellectually. On the eve of another anniversary I find much solace in quotes from yesteryear:

both from 1980:


and

Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger,
you used to dress yourself and go where you wanted;
but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands,
and someone else will dress you
and lead you where you do not want to go." John 21:18

I can look back over the past 26 years and realise that I am the product of so many influences both personal and societal, and that I have allowed the spirit of the living God to touch me. I have failed but I have also succeeded, I have been true to the greater ideals, yet fallen short in the minute details at times. I can celebrate so much and give thanks for so much. It is enough.

Shock and sorrow have been a bitter pill but I do know about grief! Hopefully I am becoming a more compassionate person, more understanding, more forgiving and loving. Empathy and self denial have still some way to go, but the grief hole has made me who I am now and I am less shallow and less oblivious to the pain of others.

I have a long way to go to understand fully how one enters into the shared suffering of Christ, but I dimly see the light.

Two movies that gave me pause for thought in the past six months have been V for Vendetta and Children of Men. Both movies attempt to contextualise violence within a future somewhat near to the present reality of western life today. Government and societal power structures have lost the ability to serve, and today perpetuate a new vision of broken and fragmented humanity. The anti-heroes of both movies have moved beyond saviour status and instead reflect broken, wounded men, striving to make some sense of the times and situations they find themselves in. At the expense of being a little too profound I hereby attempt a synthesis of some of my reading over the past six years.

The instant now society, gives people little chance of honouring or accomodating deeper desires. Spirituality has been sublimated into the excesses of a consumer driven society, fearful of the possibility of terrorist attack. People increasingly choose to hide inside suburbia, with bigger and larger LCD screens watching the world unfold somewhere out there, or otherwise drop down the rabbit hole into simulations such as Second Life.

Peoples minds, psyche and spirit are increasingly battered by the pace of modern life, and normality is no longer identifiable. Human beings are identified as being innately violent across various disciplines: from the pop psychology of I'm Ok, you're OK, to the bad parenting theories of Alice Miller, to the fracturing of relationships espoused by Carol Gilligan and Robin Morgan, The 'evolutionary' need for aggression taught by Lorenz and Morris, to Ellacurias' comments on the need to defend property. Weber saw State relationships as an initiator. Rene Girard postulates mimesis and scapegoating as integral. Foucault and Alison have attempted to nuance the place of sexuality within society and church as a pre-cursor of violence. Naturally one could argue that religion used to moderate base desire, but now the floodgates are open and desire becomes destructive. Interestingly society points the finger at the church and the abuse in indiginous communities rather than address the increasing violence in personal relationships in mainstream society.

This increasing violence is more and more typified by the breakup of relationships. Family law statistics reveal that over 65% of cases involve defacto couples, with drug and alcohol related problems almost present in 100% of cases. People are hurting and cannot anymore solve their problems without litigation. Increasingly, married couples too are finding the all pervasive violence too much to cope with, and retreat into solitude to lick their wounds and foster the rampant consumerism. The domestic GDP benefits so much from the increase in house building and the necesarry increase in the sales of white goods and electronics to set up another household.

Peter Black calls us to seek attributes of the erotic, after Gafni: intensity: an antidote to superficiality and passive aggression,
pleasurable common to both the erotic and the experience of the holy,
being present to the infinity of the moment,
the other as subject not object.
radical giving and receiving;
the defining of self discovering the self through intimacy with the other; overcoming alienation, as each opens up to the Other and engagement of the creative imagination. All calling one to seek the other, not to pay another to find oneself.

Daniel Bell and also Carrette and King note that the need for counselling and therapy has become another consumer product. I identify with them that New Age capitalism's overriding characteristic is the hawking of “personalised packages of meaning . . . rather than offering recipes for social change and identification with others.” Suffering has not been conquered, rather capitalism and consumerism have co-opted the new age.

Gail Bell has written on the worried well, the depression epidemic and the medicalisation of our sorrows. Whilst I have some sympathy with the radical orthodoxy movement and appreciate that relaxation is inducive to salvation, I find solace more in Henri Nouwen who challenges us to move downward and find security in less, not more. I recommend his "Selfless Way of Christ."

Object Lesson.

A glass with a huge crack in the base, has been used for beer, coke and water for many, many months.

However the integrity of the container was inadequate and today the base fell out with the resultant liquid mess all over the carpet.

I have fond memories of tfisb and his beloved visting me when I was in deep shock in late January 2006. They endured a mad Australia Day afternoon with my son and his mates. The mainsubset of the boys and a couple of girls called around tonight with several slabs, bottles of bourbon, rum and sundry wine.

Ms 9 was excited to meet again a babysitter from happier times.

Discarded chairs from the house where the hottest one hundred party was held, were consigned to the flames tonight.

As the evening wore on more people arrived. It's funny how a house can seem so empty one evening then 24 hours later it is alive, with Pink Floyd blasting out, people watching Dr Who, then Monsters Inc and much frivolity.

And to hear my son strumming the guitar and singing brought tears to moi eyes.


mp

For the past two weeks there has been a lot of one dimensional mosaic lego pattern making going on.

Today I was a bit bored, as all the patterns had been accomplished, so I began building up.

Ms 9 called it a maze, I taking a more poseur view saw it as an installation:

After the NGA.

Life, any life, has a value beyond anything else. There are just and reasonable alternatives to the death penalty. I, too, have made my choices and they are my own. I choose to believe in redemption and the power of forgiveness. I cannot change the world, I can only change myself and in that choice, I can be an example to others. So, to you all, I come to you and ask for your help, prayers, and any participation in my case and struggle

read more from Kenneth here .

Kenneth Foster jr.
Over the course of my adult life I have been privileged to have contact with criminals. As a nurse I cared for them when they had been bashed by other crims or their wardens. When the wardens were on strike I went into the jail and tried to feed them, but had food flung back out of the opening in the cell door and copped spit and verbal vitriol for my effort. I have experienced the uneasy standoff with a guy on the other end of the phone in a motel room with a gun, resisting going back inside, and having a friend in the room with him. I have been caught up in drug busts in the carpark of the building I work in, almost assaulting an officer until I realised his black shiny shoes meant he was the law, not the young hoodlum he was dressing as. Over the past eighteen months I have sat in the foyer of the court and watched the parade of humanity caught up in legal tussles. I have assisted friends who are penpals of prisoners in the USA and Africa with 'comfort bundles'. I have a workmate whose son was viciously killed in London.

However all this has been an outsider basically looking in. I have not personally had a friend killed.

Sean Paul has and his posts here, here and here show something very special. An attempt to reach beyond normal moral norms and strive to show a very deep form of love. I am impressed.! Life is so complex, and many just accept the social mores, but Sean Paul is confronting that complexity!

something is broken at blogger...

we apologise for this break in posting.

The internet has spawned chatrooms, alt.lists, pornography, blogs, bulletin boards, YouTube, wikis, and much else. One phenomenon which has intrigued, informed, puzzled and increased my empathy is Post Secret.

Now the site has posted a mini-movie - enjoy!

This is the door to Master 23's bedroom. A photograph of the inside I will leave to your imagination. Winter has seen the door become sticky, and on Thursday morning Master 23 wrenched the door handle off the inside, becoming stuck inside, requiring me to open the door from the hallway to let him out. Being 23 he did not bother screwing the handle back on. Off to my special weekend I went on Friday. Master 23 went off clubbing with gf on Friday night, and got home about 3.30am. Jumping out of bed to go to work at 6.30am on Saturday morning he forgot the handle was loose, pulled it and yep he was trapped in the room, with his house and car keys in the lounge room...

Meanwhile I had an extremely full on three days with much journalling about feelings.

348th post.

so many words dumped here, from times when life was happy and fun and the future appeared rosy and sparkly.

times when I wrote deeply of the things that gave me life

times when shock and disbelief saw me posting using cab sav as the muse

more recently an attempt to rationalise at varying levels the reality of the past 19 months.

soon it will be the 26th anniversary of our wedding.

I look down at my hands. Hands that caressed, held our children, toiled at work, chopped wood, cooked meals, clasped my beloveds hands.

I know my mind continues as always to believe in forgiveness, acceptance, trust and hope.

I move forward now into a time when I confront loss and determine what beginning this apparent end will create.

50 something hours spent away from my security zone, listening and talking to others who have had endured something similar to this alter-reality that I have been pushed into by the vagaries of life.

Storm clouds rolled in this evening, but no matter how bad the storm, a time of sunshine and quiet will return.

The journey continues. The way is unclear, uncertain and oh so confusing. But love endures.

I get continually amazed how marketing computer code crunchies manage to insert hot links into websites that divert you away from your intended location. WHilst at a Bulletin Board that has made me somewhat famous, my screen dissolved into the following text:


Gratitude and appreciation are some of the most transformative energies that are available to us. The Universe acts much like a giant photocopier - bringing you more and more of what you already claim to have.

Gratitude is becoming consciously aware of all that is there for us in life, and then acknowledging the gift.

Gratitude releases a dynamic current of energy flow of the highest vibrations into the universe, which magically returns to you in physical form, more of what you are grateful for.

How does this work??

Gratitude works on the principles of The Law of Attraction which states that like energy attracts like energy, like a magnet. Energy of a certain quality or vibration tends to attract energy of a similar quality and vibration. You attract to you the essence of whatever you are predominantly thinking about. If you are consistently thinking about what you already have and express your gratefulness for having it, your results will reflect more of that. (By the same token, if you are consistently thinking about what you do not have, your results will equally reflect that.)

Whatever you hold your attention on, you will attract, IF you know how to do it and how to apply it in your life with exact precision and how to use it with 100% accuracy. When used properly, it is absolutely infallible, as predictable as gravity, because it is a Universal Law that cannot be changed.

Having an attitude of gratitude AND practicing gratitude, has several major beneficial effects:

It will change your life from lack to prosperity,

From sickness to health and harmony,

From struggle to abundance and quality of life.

It will help you focus on what you want rather on what you do not want.

It will raise your 'feeling good' vibration, and

Help you remember how good your life really is!

You will feel abundant and naturally produce more abundance in your life.

You get to know yourself better.

Brings out your natural beauty and wisdom.

Helps you identify your values.

Reveals the depth of who you are.

Is life empowering.

Supports you to detach and let go of the past.

Is fun, playful and can be humorous.

Creates more positive results in your life.

Improves congruency and integrity.

Brings about turning points in your life.

Helps you achieve balance, clarity and peace of mind.

Helps to recreate your self.

Changes your state of consciousness.

You move out of reactionary emotions and take charge of your personal energy.



Whilst I have some sympathy to such thoughts, I am so sorry Annette that my Roman Catholic spirituality, practice and theory are quite adequate for my internal illumination, stability and sanity. Congratulations and kudos to whatever company is promoting your site, nicely engineered!

PS I deleted the identifying code from the site link :D

a diversion:

I have been told that some strangers have been visiting! Welcome to my wonderworld!

Remember "what you live today you will live forever." We all end up scattered as dust or buried in a box. But resurrection comes, yes!

For those who are confused, join the club.

To paraphrase another: Grow old along with me, together or apart the best is yet to be.

I have read prayerfully the writings (poems, stories, letters, journal entries, snippets of thought) of my beloved many times over the past 18 months. Some I had already viewed, some contained with lecture notebooks were new.

I have held these writings in my hands with a deep sense of the sacred, words that were true and lifegiving when they were written. Words that relate a reality that life has overrun and destroyed.

Words that give truth to what I believed I was living. What has changed I cannot really grasp or relate to, I can guess and accept that an overwhelming sense of difference and the desire for some space in the midst of the mess of life suddenly exploded and changed the world.

So much that was life-giving and worth celebrating has become yesterdays story. The narrative has been changed and inner pain and suffering and others lives have been projected and transferred.

I rejoice in the knowledge that I tried. Along with 65% statistically of the population I am now just another man whose life has been changed due to the pressures of society.

I am a sinner and a saint. I am human, and being human I remain able to wonder at life in all its tragedy and beauty. Sunrises and sunsets give me pause for joy and the ability to accept that life goes on.

I am blessed by what I know. Pain and sorrow may have diminished some aspects of my life. However, life goes on with people continually coming my way with stories that give me pause, and make me realise that I am stronger and wiser than ever before in my life. I know I know less now than once I thought I knew. Yet I can trust that life indeed is mysterious and every day is to be rejoiced in.

I have more than I need, spiritually, physically and emotionally and this humbles me.
What a wondrous thing is human life,for all the suffering in the world both natural and manmade I can celebrate life!

All that shall pass away is but reflection.
All insufficiency here finds perfection.
All that's mysterious here finds the day.
Woman in all of us show us our way.

Faust if I recall correctly tried to hold Helen, but was left clutching her clothing.

Life has left me with possessions which I don't want or need...

Meanwhile once again a circular path weaves through stuff Jung would have had fun with: Aileen/Eileen/Helen. Light bearer is the meaning of these names and all have relevance.

Light moves me onto fire or little fire. I have been burnt.

The story so far, another perception.

Childhood and teenage problems can be sublimated for many years until they overwhlem the ego. Whatever someones definition of self is, it seems that as self-concepts, self-feelings, and self-images alter due to internal and external stimuli, the personality changes, too. One can feel and sense oneself to be different.

When not only a sense of difference occurs but several dark experiences overwhelm the ego at the same time a huge explosion occurs with far reaching circumstances. Throw into the mix pharmacological and life-altering circumstances coupled with a new insight and it may take years for bonds to be mended.

One can debate terms such as animus and anima, transference and projection. Yet such theoretical understandings can not mend a broken heart. Terms can give the intellect some sense of calm and understanding. Compassion continues, empathy grows. It is enough.

The story so far framed for post-modernity:

I have wronged the one who means the most to me in life and caused hurt and alienation, I did not realise the pain that was underneath.

I have been humble and tried not to hide behind defense-mechanisms, I have tried not to be proud, self-righteousness and blaming.

My heart, mind and soul remain open to my beloved and I have offered to truly hear what my beloved has to say about how and why she feels hurt. Yet I have had no joy.

I appreciate that my behavioural quirks and personality defects have hurt my beloved, but my attempts to seek forgiveness have been rejected.

So now I must have patience until my beloved has recovered enough to begin some form of relationship with me again at some future date.

Meanwhile my life is not on hold, I am off to do a Beginnings weekend that gives separated, divorced and widowed people space to look at the future and the past and seek some closure for the pain and grief.

Pray for me gentle reader that I may make the most of this opportunity and that I may not hurt another again...

Spring approaches and suddenly my night life has taken a busy turn.

Monday: to Sydney Airport to put my first cousin once removed on the plane back to the UK.
Tuesday: out to a French Restaurant

Wedneday: out to an Asian Restaurant to discuss God, the Catholic Church and life experiences
Thursday: out to plan a book launch, then a meal at friends.
Friday: out to the Mall
Saturday: out to my old neighbours 'new' abode for a meal.

whew, I won't get much time for sorting out the household parephenalia this week.

I have begun sorting out the physical minutiae of my life. Possessions that represent over 1/2 of my life. In some ways I wish I could just throw some clothes, my theological books and my computer into the car and drive away. I packed everything up when I moved out of #72 with great love and a sense of sacred trust, now I have to face the reality that the greatest part of my life in fact appears to be definitely over.

Household goods, artworks, photos, poems, short stories and other miscellany have to be divided up. Legally I own all I survey but just because the court has granted me ownership does not make them mine.

As spring begins to approach I am "cleaning up." I am surrounded by so much that represented a life shared with my beloved. Memories of happy times, tough times that were endured and celebrated. Now those memories must be laid to rest.

I wish I had BAD memories, then I could visit this place:

Thanks to all who keep in touch by emails, PM's and snail mail!

I am spending far less time online, the real world is keeping me busy, and I am just back from a weeks holiday in the sun at Palm Cove, north of Cairns.

The winter months are flying by and I await the spring, and what promise a new season may bring me.

Love remains a bitter-sweet emotion, that which seeks the best for the beloved, yet regrets the stress and strain that modern life creates that ruins the "four loves."

Pondering the four loves: I know that eros, agape, philia and sorge are all diminished for me at present. I am seeking to unlock the ties that bind me, and time will tell what will be.

found at a great site:

http://www.neverhappened.org

Life is living the day today. Yesterday has gone and tomorrow is well, tomorrow. Simplistic but true. In days gone by I used to pray "this is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad" I had NO idea what that meant. I thought I did, but I was trapped in a patriarchial authoritarian mindset, that if I said my prayers all would be well.

Over the past months I have learnt to stop embracing my pain, and instead embrace life. I realise how rich the tapestry of my life has been, and how fortunate in so many ways the experiences I have had have given me so much.

It seems so trite to quote from musicals and movies: "and remember the truth that once was spoken / to love another person is to see the face of God" - Valjean (les mis) and again "the greatest thing you will ever learn / is just to love and to be loved in return." Christian (moulin rouge)

Yes love is being given the opportunity to spend several years on a farm and learn about the land and how to feed animals, mend fences and be a rouseabout. To work as a truckies offsider, to be a nurse, to live in an alternative community, to have children and experience marriage. To watch your children grow up. To celebrate life and death with so many people over so many years. I have so many wonderful experiences in my life. I am rich with memories.

For too long, self doubt, guilt and self criticism eroded my pleasure in life. Now a new day dawns, no plans but just living for the day. What was is gone, what is now is worth living. I have faced my demons and assimilated them a little better than in times gone by. If they rear their faces again I may slide down, but I know I can clamber back up again.

The journey continues. One day at a time.

Ahead of an appointment on Sunday morning I was ahead of time, so turned off to drive around the back streets.

i noticed a stuffed toy on the road, and stopped and picked it up...

it had a perspex label affixed on the front:

"LOVE IS EVERYTHING"

Neat! synchronicity or serendepity ...

you be the judge gentle reader

Time is zooming along.

Easter approaches.

In Rome His Eminence Cardinal Giacomo Biffi, Archbishop emeritus of Bologna has given the Pope and other Vatican officials a retreat.

The pope in his conclusion speech gave this interesting little tidbit:


Lastly, I would like to say "thank you" for your realism, your humour and your concreteness; even for the somewhat audacious theology of your maid: I should not dare to submit these words,

"The Lord may have his faults",

to the judgment of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

So a profound theological thought relayed by the pontiff just in time for IWD!

Is Pope Benedict is possibly playing a double entendre here, referring obliquely to Martin Luthers comments:

God himself is milking the cows through the vocation of the milkmaid


"any milkmaid who could read" would possibly found a new church...?

Finally, a Hi to Regina my wonderful maid in Edinburgh, and a thank you to Susie who has got me reading theological texts again!

Happy Birthday Sandyd, thanks for your support!~!

one of my favorite holiday snaps, between Dax and Salies de Bearn, France.

I have been debating with myself for two days as to the correctness of posting this:

rites of passage / deconstruction / war love / innocence / manipulation

nice banner in Edinburgh

no need for deconstruction

french students had to wait in the cold for 45 minutes before they could skate outside Montparnesse Station

at Antwerp on my way to Salies de Bearn, France

Chicago - the musical was the final evening in London...
more Castle and Edinburgh:

children playing in the snow at the beach at biarritz, my lovely gracious hostess, snow,snow everywhere! Edinburgh. A fairy on the underground in London

the great adventure ended almost as quickly as it began with the bus breaking down one hour out of Canberra, however another bus came and onto Sydney and then Heathrow, where dreadul weather conditions in the Nederlands saw us waiting on the tarmac for a while, then Amsterdam, with backpack lost, and lots of bicycles...
After four great days it was onto SW France, a winter wonderland.....