The story so far, another perception.

Childhood and teenage problems can be sublimated for many years until they overwhlem the ego. Whatever someones definition of self is, it seems that as self-concepts, self-feelings, and self-images alter due to internal and external stimuli, the personality changes, too. One can feel and sense oneself to be different.

When not only a sense of difference occurs but several dark experiences overwhelm the ego at the same time a huge explosion occurs with far reaching circumstances. Throw into the mix pharmacological and life-altering circumstances coupled with a new insight and it may take years for bonds to be mended.

One can debate terms such as animus and anima, transference and projection. Yet such theoretical understandings can not mend a broken heart. Terms can give the intellect some sense of calm and understanding. Compassion continues, empathy grows. It is enough.

The story so far framed for post-modernity:

I have wronged the one who means the most to me in life and caused hurt and alienation, I did not realise the pain that was underneath.

I have been humble and tried not to hide behind defense-mechanisms, I have tried not to be proud, self-righteousness and blaming.

My heart, mind and soul remain open to my beloved and I have offered to truly hear what my beloved has to say about how and why she feels hurt. Yet I have had no joy.

I appreciate that my behavioural quirks and personality defects have hurt my beloved, but my attempts to seek forgiveness have been rejected.

So now I must have patience until my beloved has recovered enough to begin some form of relationship with me again at some future date.

Meanwhile my life is not on hold, I am off to do a Beginnings weekend that gives separated, divorced and widowed people space to look at the future and the past and seek some closure for the pain and grief.

Pray for me gentle reader that I may make the most of this opportunity and that I may not hurt another again...

Spring approaches and suddenly my night life has taken a busy turn.

Monday: to Sydney Airport to put my first cousin once removed on the plane back to the UK.
Tuesday: out to a French Restaurant

Wedneday: out to an Asian Restaurant to discuss God, the Catholic Church and life experiences
Thursday: out to plan a book launch, then a meal at friends.
Friday: out to the Mall
Saturday: out to my old neighbours 'new' abode for a meal.

whew, I won't get much time for sorting out the household parephenalia this week.

I have begun sorting out the physical minutiae of my life. Possessions that represent over 1/2 of my life. In some ways I wish I could just throw some clothes, my theological books and my computer into the car and drive away. I packed everything up when I moved out of #72 with great love and a sense of sacred trust, now I have to face the reality that the greatest part of my life in fact appears to be definitely over.

Household goods, artworks, photos, poems, short stories and other miscellany have to be divided up. Legally I own all I survey but just because the court has granted me ownership does not make them mine.

As spring begins to approach I am "cleaning up." I am surrounded by so much that represented a life shared with my beloved. Memories of happy times, tough times that were endured and celebrated. Now those memories must be laid to rest.

I wish I had BAD memories, then I could visit this place: