I have fond memories of tfisb and his beloved visting me when I was in deep shock in late January 2006. They endured a mad Australia Day afternoon with my son and his mates. The mainsubset of the boys and a couple of girls called around tonight with several slabs, bottles of bourbon, rum and sundry wine.

Ms 9 was excited to meet again a babysitter from happier times.

Discarded chairs from the house where the hottest one hundred party was held, were consigned to the flames tonight.

As the evening wore on more people arrived. It's funny how a house can seem so empty one evening then 24 hours later it is alive, with Pink Floyd blasting out, people watching Dr Who, then Monsters Inc and much frivolity.

And to hear my son strumming the guitar and singing brought tears to moi eyes.


mp

For the past two weeks there has been a lot of one dimensional mosaic lego pattern making going on.

Today I was a bit bored, as all the patterns had been accomplished, so I began building up.

Ms 9 called it a maze, I taking a more poseur view saw it as an installation:

After the NGA.

Life, any life, has a value beyond anything else. There are just and reasonable alternatives to the death penalty. I, too, have made my choices and they are my own. I choose to believe in redemption and the power of forgiveness. I cannot change the world, I can only change myself and in that choice, I can be an example to others. So, to you all, I come to you and ask for your help, prayers, and any participation in my case and struggle

read more from Kenneth here .

Kenneth Foster jr.
Over the course of my adult life I have been privileged to have contact with criminals. As a nurse I cared for them when they had been bashed by other crims or their wardens. When the wardens were on strike I went into the jail and tried to feed them, but had food flung back out of the opening in the cell door and copped spit and verbal vitriol for my effort. I have experienced the uneasy standoff with a guy on the other end of the phone in a motel room with a gun, resisting going back inside, and having a friend in the room with him. I have been caught up in drug busts in the carpark of the building I work in, almost assaulting an officer until I realised his black shiny shoes meant he was the law, not the young hoodlum he was dressing as. Over the past eighteen months I have sat in the foyer of the court and watched the parade of humanity caught up in legal tussles. I have assisted friends who are penpals of prisoners in the USA and Africa with 'comfort bundles'. I have a workmate whose son was viciously killed in London.

However all this has been an outsider basically looking in. I have not personally had a friend killed.

Sean Paul has and his posts here, here and here show something very special. An attempt to reach beyond normal moral norms and strive to show a very deep form of love. I am impressed.! Life is so complex, and many just accept the social mores, but Sean Paul is confronting that complexity!

something is broken at blogger...

we apologise for this break in posting.

The internet has spawned chatrooms, alt.lists, pornography, blogs, bulletin boards, YouTube, wikis, and much else. One phenomenon which has intrigued, informed, puzzled and increased my empathy is Post Secret.

Now the site has posted a mini-movie - enjoy!

This is the door to Master 23's bedroom. A photograph of the inside I will leave to your imagination. Winter has seen the door become sticky, and on Thursday morning Master 23 wrenched the door handle off the inside, becoming stuck inside, requiring me to open the door from the hallway to let him out. Being 23 he did not bother screwing the handle back on. Off to my special weekend I went on Friday. Master 23 went off clubbing with gf on Friday night, and got home about 3.30am. Jumping out of bed to go to work at 6.30am on Saturday morning he forgot the handle was loose, pulled it and yep he was trapped in the room, with his house and car keys in the lounge room...

Meanwhile I had an extremely full on three days with much journalling about feelings.

348th post.

so many words dumped here, from times when life was happy and fun and the future appeared rosy and sparkly.

times when I wrote deeply of the things that gave me life

times when shock and disbelief saw me posting using cab sav as the muse

more recently an attempt to rationalise at varying levels the reality of the past 19 months.

soon it will be the 26th anniversary of our wedding.

I look down at my hands. Hands that caressed, held our children, toiled at work, chopped wood, cooked meals, clasped my beloveds hands.

I know my mind continues as always to believe in forgiveness, acceptance, trust and hope.

I move forward now into a time when I confront loss and determine what beginning this apparent end will create.

50 something hours spent away from my security zone, listening and talking to others who have had endured something similar to this alter-reality that I have been pushed into by the vagaries of life.

Storm clouds rolled in this evening, but no matter how bad the storm, a time of sunshine and quiet will return.

The journey continues. The way is unclear, uncertain and oh so confusing. But love endures.

I get continually amazed how marketing computer code crunchies manage to insert hot links into websites that divert you away from your intended location. WHilst at a Bulletin Board that has made me somewhat famous, my screen dissolved into the following text:


Gratitude and appreciation are some of the most transformative energies that are available to us. The Universe acts much like a giant photocopier - bringing you more and more of what you already claim to have.

Gratitude is becoming consciously aware of all that is there for us in life, and then acknowledging the gift.

Gratitude releases a dynamic current of energy flow of the highest vibrations into the universe, which magically returns to you in physical form, more of what you are grateful for.

How does this work??

Gratitude works on the principles of The Law of Attraction which states that like energy attracts like energy, like a magnet. Energy of a certain quality or vibration tends to attract energy of a similar quality and vibration. You attract to you the essence of whatever you are predominantly thinking about. If you are consistently thinking about what you already have and express your gratefulness for having it, your results will reflect more of that. (By the same token, if you are consistently thinking about what you do not have, your results will equally reflect that.)

Whatever you hold your attention on, you will attract, IF you know how to do it and how to apply it in your life with exact precision and how to use it with 100% accuracy. When used properly, it is absolutely infallible, as predictable as gravity, because it is a Universal Law that cannot be changed.

Having an attitude of gratitude AND practicing gratitude, has several major beneficial effects:

It will change your life from lack to prosperity,

From sickness to health and harmony,

From struggle to abundance and quality of life.

It will help you focus on what you want rather on what you do not want.

It will raise your 'feeling good' vibration, and

Help you remember how good your life really is!

You will feel abundant and naturally produce more abundance in your life.

You get to know yourself better.

Brings out your natural beauty and wisdom.

Helps you identify your values.

Reveals the depth of who you are.

Is life empowering.

Supports you to detach and let go of the past.

Is fun, playful and can be humorous.

Creates more positive results in your life.

Improves congruency and integrity.

Brings about turning points in your life.

Helps you achieve balance, clarity and peace of mind.

Helps to recreate your self.

Changes your state of consciousness.

You move out of reactionary emotions and take charge of your personal energy.



Whilst I have some sympathy to such thoughts, I am so sorry Annette that my Roman Catholic spirituality, practice and theory are quite adequate for my internal illumination, stability and sanity. Congratulations and kudos to whatever company is promoting your site, nicely engineered!

PS I deleted the identifying code from the site link :D

a diversion:

I have been told that some strangers have been visiting! Welcome to my wonderworld!

Remember "what you live today you will live forever." We all end up scattered as dust or buried in a box. But resurrection comes, yes!

For those who are confused, join the club.

To paraphrase another: Grow old along with me, together or apart the best is yet to be.

I have read prayerfully the writings (poems, stories, letters, journal entries, snippets of thought) of my beloved many times over the past 18 months. Some I had already viewed, some contained with lecture notebooks were new.

I have held these writings in my hands with a deep sense of the sacred, words that were true and lifegiving when they were written. Words that relate a reality that life has overrun and destroyed.

Words that give truth to what I believed I was living. What has changed I cannot really grasp or relate to, I can guess and accept that an overwhelming sense of difference and the desire for some space in the midst of the mess of life suddenly exploded and changed the world.

So much that was life-giving and worth celebrating has become yesterdays story. The narrative has been changed and inner pain and suffering and others lives have been projected and transferred.

I rejoice in the knowledge that I tried. Along with 65% statistically of the population I am now just another man whose life has been changed due to the pressures of society.

I am a sinner and a saint. I am human, and being human I remain able to wonder at life in all its tragedy and beauty. Sunrises and sunsets give me pause for joy and the ability to accept that life goes on.

I am blessed by what I know. Pain and sorrow may have diminished some aspects of my life. However, life goes on with people continually coming my way with stories that give me pause, and make me realise that I am stronger and wiser than ever before in my life. I know I know less now than once I thought I knew. Yet I can trust that life indeed is mysterious and every day is to be rejoiced in.

I have more than I need, spiritually, physically and emotionally and this humbles me.
What a wondrous thing is human life,for all the suffering in the world both natural and manmade I can celebrate life!

All that shall pass away is but reflection.
All insufficiency here finds perfection.
All that's mysterious here finds the day.
Woman in all of us show us our way.

Faust if I recall correctly tried to hold Helen, but was left clutching her clothing.

Life has left me with possessions which I don't want or need...

Meanwhile once again a circular path weaves through stuff Jung would have had fun with: Aileen/Eileen/Helen. Light bearer is the meaning of these names and all have relevance.

Light moves me onto fire or little fire. I have been burnt.

The story so far, another perception.

Childhood and teenage problems can be sublimated for many years until they overwhlem the ego. Whatever someones definition of self is, it seems that as self-concepts, self-feelings, and self-images alter due to internal and external stimuli, the personality changes, too. One can feel and sense oneself to be different.

When not only a sense of difference occurs but several dark experiences overwhelm the ego at the same time a huge explosion occurs with far reaching circumstances. Throw into the mix pharmacological and life-altering circumstances coupled with a new insight and it may take years for bonds to be mended.

One can debate terms such as animus and anima, transference and projection. Yet such theoretical understandings can not mend a broken heart. Terms can give the intellect some sense of calm and understanding. Compassion continues, empathy grows. It is enough.

The story so far framed for post-modernity:

I have wronged the one who means the most to me in life and caused hurt and alienation, I did not realise the pain that was underneath.

I have been humble and tried not to hide behind defense-mechanisms, I have tried not to be proud, self-righteousness and blaming.

My heart, mind and soul remain open to my beloved and I have offered to truly hear what my beloved has to say about how and why she feels hurt. Yet I have had no joy.

I appreciate that my behavioural quirks and personality defects have hurt my beloved, but my attempts to seek forgiveness have been rejected.

So now I must have patience until my beloved has recovered enough to begin some form of relationship with me again at some future date.

Meanwhile my life is not on hold, I am off to do a Beginnings weekend that gives separated, divorced and widowed people space to look at the future and the past and seek some closure for the pain and grief.

Pray for me gentle reader that I may make the most of this opportunity and that I may not hurt another again...

Spring approaches and suddenly my night life has taken a busy turn.

Monday: to Sydney Airport to put my first cousin once removed on the plane back to the UK.
Tuesday: out to a French Restaurant

Wedneday: out to an Asian Restaurant to discuss God, the Catholic Church and life experiences
Thursday: out to plan a book launch, then a meal at friends.
Friday: out to the Mall
Saturday: out to my old neighbours 'new' abode for a meal.

whew, I won't get much time for sorting out the household parephenalia this week.

I have begun sorting out the physical minutiae of my life. Possessions that represent over 1/2 of my life. In some ways I wish I could just throw some clothes, my theological books and my computer into the car and drive away. I packed everything up when I moved out of #72 with great love and a sense of sacred trust, now I have to face the reality that the greatest part of my life in fact appears to be definitely over.

Household goods, artworks, photos, poems, short stories and other miscellany have to be divided up. Legally I own all I survey but just because the court has granted me ownership does not make them mine.

As spring begins to approach I am "cleaning up." I am surrounded by so much that represented a life shared with my beloved. Memories of happy times, tough times that were endured and celebrated. Now those memories must be laid to rest.

I wish I had BAD memories, then I could visit this place:

Thanks to all who keep in touch by emails, PM's and snail mail!

I am spending far less time online, the real world is keeping me busy, and I am just back from a weeks holiday in the sun at Palm Cove, north of Cairns.

The winter months are flying by and I await the spring, and what promise a new season may bring me.

Love remains a bitter-sweet emotion, that which seeks the best for the beloved, yet regrets the stress and strain that modern life creates that ruins the "four loves."

Pondering the four loves: I know that eros, agape, philia and sorge are all diminished for me at present. I am seeking to unlock the ties that bind me, and time will tell what will be.

found at a great site:

http://www.neverhappened.org

Life is living the day today. Yesterday has gone and tomorrow is well, tomorrow. Simplistic but true. In days gone by I used to pray "this is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad" I had NO idea what that meant. I thought I did, but I was trapped in a patriarchial authoritarian mindset, that if I said my prayers all would be well.

Over the past months I have learnt to stop embracing my pain, and instead embrace life. I realise how rich the tapestry of my life has been, and how fortunate in so many ways the experiences I have had have given me so much.

It seems so trite to quote from musicals and movies: "and remember the truth that once was spoken / to love another person is to see the face of God" - Valjean (les mis) and again "the greatest thing you will ever learn / is just to love and to be loved in return." Christian (moulin rouge)

Yes love is being given the opportunity to spend several years on a farm and learn about the land and how to feed animals, mend fences and be a rouseabout. To work as a truckies offsider, to be a nurse, to live in an alternative community, to have children and experience marriage. To watch your children grow up. To celebrate life and death with so many people over so many years. I have so many wonderful experiences in my life. I am rich with memories.

For too long, self doubt, guilt and self criticism eroded my pleasure in life. Now a new day dawns, no plans but just living for the day. What was is gone, what is now is worth living. I have faced my demons and assimilated them a little better than in times gone by. If they rear their faces again I may slide down, but I know I can clamber back up again.

The journey continues. One day at a time.

Ahead of an appointment on Sunday morning I was ahead of time, so turned off to drive around the back streets.

i noticed a stuffed toy on the road, and stopped and picked it up...

it had a perspex label affixed on the front:

"LOVE IS EVERYTHING"

Neat! synchronicity or serendepity ...

you be the judge gentle reader

Time is zooming along.

Easter approaches.

In Rome His Eminence Cardinal Giacomo Biffi, Archbishop emeritus of Bologna has given the Pope and other Vatican officials a retreat.

The pope in his conclusion speech gave this interesting little tidbit:


Lastly, I would like to say "thank you" for your realism, your humour and your concreteness; even for the somewhat audacious theology of your maid: I should not dare to submit these words,

"The Lord may have his faults",

to the judgment of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

So a profound theological thought relayed by the pontiff just in time for IWD!

Is Pope Benedict is possibly playing a double entendre here, referring obliquely to Martin Luthers comments:

God himself is milking the cows through the vocation of the milkmaid


"any milkmaid who could read" would possibly found a new church...?

Finally, a Hi to Regina my wonderful maid in Edinburgh, and a thank you to Susie who has got me reading theological texts again!