I am currently in Queanbeyan, NSW, just over the border from Canberra. A time of waiting for #72 to be sold, and to begin another stage in the life journey. Days are getting longer again, and I cannot wait for spring to hopefully re-energise me and give more joy for life.

Some days are very painful, and the last eight months seem to be just a minute long. The shock, sorrow and suddenness of my change of circumstance almost pushes me into depression. However I keep on, aware that life is very wonderful and that I have so much to be thankful for. World events and even other peoples tragic lives around me keep me very aware that what has happened to me is not such a big deal. It hurts and the onoing estrangement seems weird and bizarre but I know that something wonderful will come out of this suffering.

On the computing front I have been tinkering with windows Vista, a slick and powerful operating system, that even though in beta has performed flawlessly. The folder navigation is great, and the slick sidebar is cute, however the networking implementation leaves a bit to be desired. I was amazed that I was able to get the USB broadband modem working with just a few clicks after reading on the manufacturers site that they were not supporting beta software. Roll on RC1, and more improvements. The only real downside is that a DOS program I use to run the bookshop will not work, I'm hoping support for legacy DOS applications will be present in the release candidate, otherwise I'll have to stick to XP and Win 98 at work. The laptop currently dual boots both XP and Vista. A stuff up with system commander stopped it booting but the Vista installation DVD fixed the problem and also re-activated the Dell Media boot option which System Commander had trashed... A neat feature of vista is its ability to use USB keys as a prefetch hold, to improve memory & CPU usage. I got a 2 gig key and it works well. The downside is that some memory cards eg from cameras are too slow.... never mind, keep the photos on the memory card...

Death has been ever present the last four weeks: friends parents, clergy and neighbours have all passed away, and the realisation that we are born to die hits home hard.

However joy of time with children and good news such as Amy finishing her "walk with a rose" help ease the descent towards depression.

I remain very grateful for all the prayers that are being said for me. I remember all you pray-ers in my prayers !

In less than 12 hours I'll be exiting #72

Goods and chattels are piled high in the shed

I'm housesitting for a friend for a few months until the house sale is settled

Funny how life aint what you expect, #72 I expected to be my home for the second half of my life, after enduring over 30 moves in my first 45 years...

I guess I'll croon "I have been a rover" as I clean the last few cupboards and mop the floors...

I'm just thankful that for the last 26 years loves been good to me. So many great memories, of life lived to the full in so many different ways. Now I prepare for the next 26 years of life, a life that may bring... who knows... but I trust that my faith will continue to deepen and my heart and mind remain open and loving.

Thanks, gentle readers for sharing my life over the past years, watch out for Graham?? coming later this year! For all those who pray and send good thoughts my way, I remain totally indebted to your care and concern. Thanks so much.

later...

Nigerian scam. Internet cons, tricks of the electronic age: scammers can drive you to bizarre and even murderous behaviour.
I have great compassion for Mary.

My last post promised more darkness posts, I had come across a book that gave me the idea of quoting selected passages from it and then reflecting on them. Too easy and probably a little disingenuous on my part. So I won't go down that blogging path, yet...

Meanwhile life goes on. The past week I have had early starts, putting in time at the bookshop, then off to the Australian National University until 10.30pm or so each night selling books at the National Charismatic Conference.

The conference this year was used to run a signs and wonders seminar featuring a guy from England, Damian Staynes who is a full on Roman Catholic, but convicted of the power of Jesus to heal people today. His message was an orthodox mix of Catholic teaching with Scripture,Church Fathers, the Catechism and Papal statements all getting full credence but also proclaiming the power of God in providing people with prophetic words and healings. He was no smoke and mirrors operator full of smooth talk; instead demanding people turn to God and turn off the television, that they spend more time in prayer and less time just wasting time. He draws on some of the teaching of John Wimber and Smith Wigglesworth.

On the Thursday evening there was an open night, for healing ministry. Over 800 people turned up (including the 300 conferencees') Damian, suffering jet lag did not preach a very inspired message but when he started praying for people to be healed, healings there were! Peoples shoulders, ears, knees, spines et al! Praise be to Jesus Christ! Damian demanded people not claim that they were healed unless they actually were. He was almost rude in challenging some people who thought they were healed. The most amazing thing for me was the healing of a teenage girl who had been suffering muscular dystrophy running and jumping around the hall after being healed. All up there were at least 90 healings, and Damian said some people would find that their healing would happen over the next few days, so probably all up 100 or so people have a new perspective on their health.

I came away from the week with a deeper desire to pray more. I find that I am a "great one" to pray when things are difficult but then I start coasting again, and just give lip service rather than a deep committment in my heart and mind. So I am going to start trying to maintain a regular deeper prayer life.

I was given some personal words of knowledge,and also had the most amazing experience when I asked for prayer about what to do with a sum of money. I have been trying to decide what to do with $40,000 and so I asked a woman to pray with me that I would know the Lords will. So we started praying, and all I could sense or intuit was that God was telling me to give a customer back $10.00. Originally this customer had said she was going to buy 4 CD's by a particular artist so I offered them to her at $20.00 each, however she only ended up buying one of those, and selected a brand new CD which I charged her $29.95 for, $49.95 in total. She had expressed some unhappiness about that. I decided to give her the $10.00, and then felt very peaceful through the rest of the prayer time. I did not get any amazing answer as to what I should do, but decided to keep seeking the Lords will about the $40,000.

I took the money to the customer, and apologised for causing her any distress. I went back to the book table, and ten minutes or so later the customer came back wanting to give me the $10.00 back. I said 'no, I believe God wants you to have it.' She said she would put it in the offering box. I said I was OK for that, and that as far as I was concerned all I knew was that God had told me to give her the money. She said 'are you sure?', and I said yes, and explained how I had sought prayer about $40,000 and all I could sense during the prayer time was to give her $10.00. Her face changed and I thought I had upset her more.

But she explained that the previous evening a friend had visited her at the conference and she had not paid for her friends meal. The cost of the meal $10.00! So the meal got paid for, and you gentle reader have had something to read from me!

Anyway enough of my spiritual adventures. Life is not just prayer and wonders. I am off to the pub with Master 22 and his mates for a beer tonight. I think Jesus would have had a beer or two, too after a week of healing and prayer!

Human existence is a journey of faith and, as such, goes forward more in darkness than in full light, with moments of obscurity and even profound darkness.
Benedict XVI, March 2006.

I have held these words close over the past three months. However, I do not feel that I am in darkness, more so that I am called to the light to understand the way forward.

Darkness is no enemy, seeking the light in the darkness is what matters.

more darkness posts to follow...

Johnson Briggs / Mega Loans Agency - beware this scammer dude has left London and now operates from Portsmouth - SCAM ALERT! If you have googled Briggs re an offer of money if you send tranfer monies to him, read the following and do not go down the same path as this email correspondent:

Hi there,
This is ***** who recenlty had wired some transfer money to Mr.Johnson Briggs
in Portsmouth, UK.
However, after I wired the transfer fee to him, I never got his message back
to me on when I will get the loan.
I just do random searach of "Johnson Briggs" on the google , and I came
across that your blog do mentoined about his name.
Please, I would like to ask you how is this guy Mr.Johnson Briggs is like,
is he a decent guy?
I am askthing this is because he has not replied my email for 3 days after
his company ( Mega Loans Agency) picked up the 335 USD trasnfer money I just
sent.
I am wondeirng is Mr.John Briggs a geniue guy to turst? Please let me know

*****

I replied to this email suggesting police and bank should be informed, however no doubt the money was wired through the usual channels and my correspondent has lost $335.00 USD - another scam victim. Mr Briggs obviously is staying one step ahead of the law....

However this savvy blogger had a bite of briggs. sweet!

quote of the 1/4 century found tonight whilst packing up books:

"we learn in school to value information more highly than behaviour"

'tis true, 'tis true.

And I won't allow my self to sing "if I could turn back time" {insert} wry sad emoticon {/insert} or "can we start again please."

Yet hope for good times, healing and a future of a relationship restored but different, probably apart but at least friendship is my dream. The future is unknown but anything is possible.

May is one of the best months of the year in Canberra, warm days, not too hot, not too cold. Today was "stay at home, Sunday", an unexpected chance to get back into the garden and weed, weed, weed, prune, tidy up the detritus and dead vegetation. The clock is ticking down to my departure from #72, a dream that was short-lived due to the complexity of lifes circumstances. Memories will always remain happy and positive until December 2005, when life began to change due to my ignorance of what was unfolding... Regrets, sure I have a few, but the reality of the good times far outweigh the nightmare of what I lived through in December and early January.

Meanwhile I guess I should post a reflection on that movie... "I have to get to a library - fast." I have not seen the movie, but what a thriller heh! How many libraries still retain quality books these days? No use of a handheld internet capable PDA or phone, no it's a modern drama that has such scintillating dialogue. I'll wait for the DVD release. Every radio station, every TV channel, and I guess the print media has multiple reviews... People want something to generate excitement but it does not excite me. I read Holy Blood, Holy Grail, books about Rosyln and the Green Man et al in the 1990's so I guess I was ahead of the pack. Reading the DVC I guessed the ending about half way through. I have not bothered to read any of Dan's other books, the feeble characterisations and abrupt location and event changes did not enthuse me to try his other novels...

I have been listening to audio books each evening. Richard Rohr & Paula D'Arcy on midlife, and the Journals of Thomas Merton. Much more interesting and affirming for the journey I am living. I remain sane, eating and praying well. Thanks again to all who remember me in your prayers. Gentle readers, may your life be blessed, also!

Here's to Amy, the hero of Walk with a Rose an upcoming a charity event that will take place in June and July 2006. Over eight weeks, Amy Banson will attempt to walk 1463 kilometres (910 miles)from Brisbane to Canberra.

Amy decided to undertake the walk as a fundraiser after caring for Clea Rose in the minutes after she was struck by a stolen car in the center of Canberra in July last year. Clea later died from the brain injuries she sustained as a result of this crime.

Wonderful and inspiring things come out of tragedy.

Wintry weather has arrived in Canberra. It's cold! The coldness is mitigated somewhat by the appearance of various species of parrots on the grassy verge outside the golf course directly opposite nos 72, however some days white cockatoos take over and drive the "beautiful plumage" parrots away.

Night comes quickly and the darkness falls suddenly. Clouds dark and menacing roll over Canberra but little rain ensues. I remain full of hope, love and faith. I have an inner joy that resonates with the oft quoted comment of Mother Julian all will be well.

Patience is my new middle name, I wait expectantly for the miracle that one day will turn sadness into joy. Once again thank you to all who email me with concern and compassion. Your love enables my love to continue to blossom. The waiting game continues. In the arms of God I continue to "live and move and have my being."

May God bless you also gentle readers!

I wander past post a secret occasionally.
This postcard got me thinking about the differing attitudes to life, victim mentality, positive world view, christian and buddhist perspectives. The concept that "I suck" is sad, life is a bowl of cherries, and if we get lemons we should "make lemonade". In the aeons of time that the known universe represents our life is very short, and there is only the now, not yesterday or tomorrow. Our now is a time to rejoice and be glad, and celebrate all that is worthwhile. Not negating our foibles and errors but accepting them, attempting to change, exulting when small changes are made.

I don't accept the "I suck" mentality. I know that life is wonderful, and exciting and past errors should be acknowledged and life goes on. Everyday is an occasion to make others feel good and welcome in the great mystery of life. Sure I feel down at times, overwhelmed, almost crushed but there is an energy within that tells me that life has changed not ended and I keep on keeping on. I aint one to think that "i suck."

Cooking for one seems to be an acquired artform. Thank goodness for plastic containers that keep the extra food for the following evenings' meal. Whimsical post, huh!

Since I was first self-aware of myself, my relationship with the world, and my need for God, sometime around the age of 9 or 10, I felt secure in my world view.

The events of the past four months however have opened up a chasm-like split in how I view the ways of the world and the ways of God.

I believe in the power of love, of forgiveness, of realising ones own fragility and vulnerability, of acknowledging weakness and failings, above all noting that no-one is perfect in this mortal life, but we keep must keep trying to maintain relationships. Something in the above words echoes the call to love one another, and thus love God, for me.

However society has now decreed the cult of the individual, where one person can claim to be a victim and the other person becomes the powerful evil aggressor who is offered no opportunity other than in adversarial conflict to put ones viewpoint.

As a Christian not wishing to cause distress I chose not to participate in adversarial conflict, and I have taken to heart the call of Jesus to turn the other cheek. I have chosen the moral high ground to act justly and morally. I have been true to myself and my values

In this paradoxical situation 'twixt Christian values and modern societies 'cult of the individual', I have found myself at peace, with a deepened faith and a greater love. Ever conscious of my failings, I also know all that is good within me.

The words of Les Miserables echo continually in my mind and heart and soul: "To love another person is to see the face of God." True love wishes the best for the other, even when one is left bereft and broken-hearted. I may be an incurable romantic, but it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I have taken the path of patience, goodwill, and acceptance. Life is short and truly I have found love leads to suffering.

We live only once and the joys and woes of life truly are the stuff of reality not dreams!

No I did not get an early Easter egg, instead I was given a paschal chocolate lamb. I had heard of them, but never seen one. It came with an Alleluia, Christ resurrected with banner of triumph holy card. In Australia the easter egg, bunny or bilby are more popular but I understand that in Germany and Poland the chocolate lamb is still around. Indeed, it has only been over the past 200 years that the rabbit became an easter symbol, introduced by some greeting card maker.

Easter greetings to all my readers! May something of new life and resurrection come your way over the next few days!

tfisb and SO in Canberra on January 26th

Climbed onto some scales on Friday, I have lost 2 stone since January. Worry and smoking are to blame. I am eating well and actually enjoying the occasional Guinness or stout. It's been busy the last few days, friends and relatives have stayed overnight and it's wonderful to not be the only body in the house.

I am sleeping for longer periods, and actually do not have to get out of bed for a cigarette at 4.00am any more :)

I slept in thise morning deliberately and did not go to 8.00am Mass, I went tonight at 6.00pm at the church that is just down the road. I was pleasantly surprised and uplifted by the people that I knew there. I have maintained contact at my old parish, about 10 minutes away since moving to Nos 72, but it may do me good to start attending the local church rather than the building which has so many memories of good times.

Change comes to us all, and it's important to make changes...

Here's to change!

It's amazing how much time 7 days is.
Last Sunday I was at a really low ebb, and feeling totally overwhelmed by the turn in my life situation.

Interviews with various professional and government organisations has been a great help.

Several days leave from work for the first time this year has also enabled me to relax and chill out and replenish my adrenaline and bonheur de vivre.

So I continue to be patient and accepting of what life is currently offering me.

I want to thank my friends and relatives both locally and internationally for all the support in emails, phonecalls, prayers and other ways....

I am amazed at the generosity - practical, spiritual, monetary, legally and emotionally - that I have been shown by so many.

I have not walked alone the past months but have been helped by so many with different ways of supporting me that I could never have imagined.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!

I have learnt over the past month that perception is now more important in modern society than the truth.

One can act honourably, with dignity, and wear the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune but the law is not interested.

So it's great to be back home, with the familar but altered surroundings. There is much cleaning and gardening to do so I'll only be popping into check comments occasionally.

I do read them all and my emails and appreciate all the support from so many!!!!!!!

Keep on praying my friends, for healing and for a change in perception. thanks G.

Life is always full of unexpected moments.

I have tried in my life to act justly love tenderly and walk humbly, however the ones I love the most often get the worst side of me, tired, grumpy, and lazy. My motor mouth is not always in control and I have said things that I did not mean.

Regrets and shame diminish me but I get back up on my feet and try again each new day.

Life has just dealt me a huge blow. So I know now, that my energies in 2006 are going to be in a few different areas than the past three years.

Gentle readers, if you are a praying person; pray for me that I will be honest with myself and become a better person.

thanks G_72

It's the end of an era.
The Disease Outbreaks board at the Agonist has been archived.
An increasingly useful reference during the SARS experience, and providing snippets of information on Ebola and other diseases around the globe it attracted much attention from medical professionals, scientists and amateur googlists and yahooists.

In late 2004 and early 2005 it was the main clearing house for a deepening understanding of the interaction of the H5N1 virus within domestic and wildbirds. A careful scrutiny of translations of Boxun reports and the use of proMed and traditional media reporting ensured the agonist rode the wave of best practice reporting. Eventually we saw the MSM jump aboard and create an almost hysterical reporting of the inexorable spread of the disease westwards, feeding posters on various other bulletin boards with fear, doubt and uncertainty.

H5N1 remains a problem predominantly for birds. Humans that maintain ultra-close contact with birds, ie sucking snot out of their beaks or playing with chicken heads can succumb to the disease. My 'informed' prognostication is that the chance of a human pandemic remains below 8%.

Adieu, the Disease Outbreaks board!