The story so far, another perception.

Childhood and teenage problems can be sublimated for many years until they overwhlem the ego. Whatever someones definition of self is, it seems that as self-concepts, self-feelings, and self-images alter due to internal and external stimuli, the personality changes, too. One can feel and sense oneself to be different.

When not only a sense of difference occurs but several dark experiences overwhelm the ego at the same time a huge explosion occurs with far reaching circumstances. Throw into the mix pharmacological and life-altering circumstances coupled with a new insight and it may take years for bonds to be mended.

One can debate terms such as animus and anima, transference and projection. Yet such theoretical understandings can not mend a broken heart. Terms can give the intellect some sense of calm and understanding. Compassion continues, empathy grows. It is enough.

The story so far framed for post-modernity:

I have wronged the one who means the most to me in life and caused hurt and alienation, I did not realise the pain that was underneath.

I have been humble and tried not to hide behind defense-mechanisms, I have tried not to be proud, self-righteousness and blaming.

My heart, mind and soul remain open to my beloved and I have offered to truly hear what my beloved has to say about how and why she feels hurt. Yet I have had no joy.

I appreciate that my behavioural quirks and personality defects have hurt my beloved, but my attempts to seek forgiveness have been rejected.

So now I must have patience until my beloved has recovered enough to begin some form of relationship with me again at some future date.

Meanwhile my life is not on hold, I am off to do a Beginnings weekend that gives separated, divorced and widowed people space to look at the future and the past and seek some closure for the pain and grief.

Pray for me gentle reader that I may make the most of this opportunity and that I may not hurt another again...

Spring approaches and suddenly my night life has taken a busy turn.

Monday: to Sydney Airport to put my first cousin once removed on the plane back to the UK.
Tuesday: out to a French Restaurant

Wedneday: out to an Asian Restaurant to discuss God, the Catholic Church and life experiences
Thursday: out to plan a book launch, then a meal at friends.
Friday: out to the Mall
Saturday: out to my old neighbours 'new' abode for a meal.

whew, I won't get much time for sorting out the household parephenalia this week.

I have begun sorting out the physical minutiae of my life. Possessions that represent over 1/2 of my life. In some ways I wish I could just throw some clothes, my theological books and my computer into the car and drive away. I packed everything up when I moved out of #72 with great love and a sense of sacred trust, now I have to face the reality that the greatest part of my life in fact appears to be definitely over.

Household goods, artworks, photos, poems, short stories and other miscellany have to be divided up. Legally I own all I survey but just because the court has granted me ownership does not make them mine.

As spring begins to approach I am "cleaning up." I am surrounded by so much that represented a life shared with my beloved. Memories of happy times, tough times that were endured and celebrated. Now those memories must be laid to rest.

I wish I had BAD memories, then I could visit this place:

Thanks to all who keep in touch by emails, PM's and snail mail!

I am spending far less time online, the real world is keeping me busy, and I am just back from a weeks holiday in the sun at Palm Cove, north of Cairns.

The winter months are flying by and I await the spring, and what promise a new season may bring me.

Love remains a bitter-sweet emotion, that which seeks the best for the beloved, yet regrets the stress and strain that modern life creates that ruins the "four loves."

Pondering the four loves: I know that eros, agape, philia and sorge are all diminished for me at present. I am seeking to unlock the ties that bind me, and time will tell what will be.

found at a great site:

http://www.neverhappened.org

Life is living the day today. Yesterday has gone and tomorrow is well, tomorrow. Simplistic but true. In days gone by I used to pray "this is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad" I had NO idea what that meant. I thought I did, but I was trapped in a patriarchial authoritarian mindset, that if I said my prayers all would be well.

Over the past months I have learnt to stop embracing my pain, and instead embrace life. I realise how rich the tapestry of my life has been, and how fortunate in so many ways the experiences I have had have given me so much.

It seems so trite to quote from musicals and movies: "and remember the truth that once was spoken / to love another person is to see the face of God" - Valjean (les mis) and again "the greatest thing you will ever learn / is just to love and to be loved in return." Christian (moulin rouge)

Yes love is being given the opportunity to spend several years on a farm and learn about the land and how to feed animals, mend fences and be a rouseabout. To work as a truckies offsider, to be a nurse, to live in an alternative community, to have children and experience marriage. To watch your children grow up. To celebrate life and death with so many people over so many years. I have so many wonderful experiences in my life. I am rich with memories.

For too long, self doubt, guilt and self criticism eroded my pleasure in life. Now a new day dawns, no plans but just living for the day. What was is gone, what is now is worth living. I have faced my demons and assimilated them a little better than in times gone by. If they rear their faces again I may slide down, but I know I can clamber back up again.

The journey continues. One day at a time.

Ahead of an appointment on Sunday morning I was ahead of time, so turned off to drive around the back streets.

i noticed a stuffed toy on the road, and stopped and picked it up...

it had a perspex label affixed on the front:

"LOVE IS EVERYTHING"

Neat! synchronicity or serendepity ...

you be the judge gentle reader

Time is zooming along.

Easter approaches.

In Rome His Eminence Cardinal Giacomo Biffi, Archbishop emeritus of Bologna has given the Pope and other Vatican officials a retreat.

The pope in his conclusion speech gave this interesting little tidbit:


Lastly, I would like to say "thank you" for your realism, your humour and your concreteness; even for the somewhat audacious theology of your maid: I should not dare to submit these words,

"The Lord may have his faults",

to the judgment of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

So a profound theological thought relayed by the pontiff just in time for IWD!

Is Pope Benedict is possibly playing a double entendre here, referring obliquely to Martin Luthers comments:

God himself is milking the cows through the vocation of the milkmaid


"any milkmaid who could read" would possibly found a new church...?

Finally, a Hi to Regina my wonderful maid in Edinburgh, and a thank you to Susie who has got me reading theological texts again!

Happy Birthday Sandyd, thanks for your support!~!

one of my favorite holiday snaps, between Dax and Salies de Bearn, France.

I have been debating with myself for two days as to the correctness of posting this:

rites of passage / deconstruction / war love / innocence / manipulation

nice banner in Edinburgh

no need for deconstruction

french students had to wait in the cold for 45 minutes before they could skate outside Montparnesse Station

at Antwerp on my way to Salies de Bearn, France

Chicago - the musical was the final evening in London...
more Castle and Edinburgh:

children playing in the snow at the beach at biarritz, my lovely gracious hostess, snow,snow everywhere! Edinburgh. A fairy on the underground in London

the great adventure ended almost as quickly as it began with the bus breaking down one hour out of Canberra, however another bus came and onto Sydney and then Heathrow, where dreadul weather conditions in the Nederlands saw us waiting on the tarmac for a while, then Amsterdam, with backpack lost, and lots of bicycles...
After four great days it was onto SW France, a winter wonderland.....

Well it's time to close down the laptop and be internet deprived for a few days.
The trip to Europe begins and I have too much stuff to deliver, so no room for the laptop.

Netherlands, Francais and SW England and London will my destinations.

Over the past years I have promoted and actively assisted various sundry activities close to home, in Asia and the Pacific. Africa is a distant continent....

Yes, we know that people of religious conviction staff schools and hospitals in Africa, and we may even sponsor children or donate money to salve our consciences.

But, I want to write about 120 mothers and children that began to be cared for at The Holy Family Care Centre is situated at the foot of the Drakensberg Moutains at Ofcolaco in the Limpopo province in mid 2002. See googleearth for the location.

These children ranging from new born babies to teenagers suffer from AID's/HIV and TB. Since the centre opened most of the mothers have died.

Yes, in 4 years, most of the mothers have died.

However, the death toll for the children remains much lower. Approximately 60 children are cared for.

In 2004, the local Bishops Conference recommended that the Centre be given access to anti-retroviral medication. This is being funded by PEPFAR in America, the President’s Emergency Plan for Aids Relief. The children will grow into adult life dependent on the medication until death, unless another medication breakthrough is achieved.

The Director is an Australian religious sister who had spent ten years in Rome supervising her orders mission work, she now is at the 'real' front lines. Both her love for the children and her appreciation for the support this 'work of love' receives is immense.

I commend this special place. as worthy of prayer and financial support. Hopefully some gentle readers will be moved to join me in assisting this work.

As an interesting aside, apart from Australian support, this work of love and human dignity also receives support from the wonderful people of Netherlands, whose land I visit in two weeks. Some are visiting Zuid Afrika at present - My first link to a non English web-site: http://www.margrietinzuidafrika.fkraak.com/. I was gobsmacked to see that a school in my early childhood abode in the county of Essex, UK is also assisting in this work.

It's great that the internet allows us to join the dots and appreciate the global humanity of the little people.

2007 has begun, and the countdown to my trip overseas suddenly becomes more insistent.
13 more work days, and a few days off, a birthday, some entertaining with the weber and then it will be onto a greyhound bus, a plane to Amsterdam via Singapore and London and then EUROPE!

The trip to the UK several years ago was a bit less exciting than I had expected, the images of the UK seen on TV and movies over my lifetime led me to think ho hum at times, I have seen all this. It was great to be there in the flesh so to speak but I had more in common with my homeland than I will be in Europe experiencing the culture shock of travelling in countries where the native tongues will be alien to me. I will have to rely on others to explain signs and show me where to go!

The Nederlands and France will soak up 8 days then onto the chunnel and over to the UK to visit my relatives in the West Country.

2006 ended with some special moments for me:- God's mysterious ways at work, I have no doubt, and I am sure that 2007 will continue to unfold in unexpected ways. Thanks once again to all who pray for my special intentions, and may we all know joy and peace in abundance in 2007.

Postcards from Europe:

Blogs on Air: www.blogspiel.de






Austrian Nativity: Joyeux Noel




THE KENNEDYS Berlin 1963

2007!
I wish all my gentle readers a wonderful year, may changes bring joy and peace to all our lives!

Well Christmas 2006 has begun, I was able to go to the childrens Christmas Mass with Ms 8, the church wa decorated with silver stars and cloth angels hanging from the ceiling.

Then enjoyed watching 'Miracle on 34th' with Ms 8, a family favourite over the past decade, it's funny how some things remain the same. A few presents opened with Ms 8 and then its Carols from the Myer music bowl in Melbourne on the tube.

I raise a glass of Cabernet Merlot and say a prayer for loved ones and all my friends.

Merry Christmas! In God We Trust! May 2007 be a happier year for all of us gentle readers!

love and prayers, Graham

another day closer to celebrating the anniversary of the greatest love the world has seen... a quote that I have been pondering:
For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

And so 2006 draws inexorably to a close, my annis horribilis punctuated by the kindness and concern and prayers of so many - thank you! The world seems a real mess, but 'twas ever so...

2007 will be a new year, with possibilities that I have not even begun to think about. Suffice to note that I will enjoy a trip to western europe and the west country of my birth country in mid January.

What dreams may come, before we shuffle off this mortal coil? to twist the bard. Hope and expectations run deep, knowing that love conquers all. Yet love and suffering are intertwined, and hope and faith are sureties that one can only rely on in our interaction with other people. The scale of suffering in Iraq and Sudan, to name just two places seems to be increasing. But even the pain of individuals and society locally seems to be increasing. So I pray "come Lord Jesus, with your peace and healing." I look forward to increased peace and an increasing acceptance of my fragility in 2007.

But before that I will spend the last week of 2006 with the image of the child, the child who is the master of the universe dandled on his mothers knee, and know that in the sight of God, there is much more to life than we can know.

Merry Christmas gentle readers; rejoice for unto you a saviour is born who will free us from sin and suffering and lead us into the ways of love and eternal peace!

Advent - traditional understanding is a time of waiting, conversion and of hope:

waiting-memory of the first, humble coming of the Lord in our mortal flesh; waiting-supplication for his final, glorious coming as Lord of History and universal Judge;

conversion, to which the Liturgy at this time often refers quoting the prophets, especially John the Baptist, "Repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand" (Mt 3,2);

joyful hope that the salvation already accomplished by Christ (cf. Rm 8, 24-25) and the reality of grace in the world, will mature and reach their fulness, thereby granting us what is promised by faith, and "we shall become like him for we shall see him as he really is" (John 3,2).


As part of my advent preparation (or in the old language: discipline!) I have been reading each day from a collection of writings, Watch for the Light I was particularly struck by a short passage from Edith Stein, which made a nice change from the lengthy extracts earlier in the week from Karl Rahner and Meister Eckhart.

Edith wrote (and I quote more than what is published in the anthology): The Christian mysteries are an indivisible whole. If we become immersed in one, we are led to all the others. Thus the way from Bethlehem leads inevitably to Golgotha, from the crib to the Cross. (Simon's) prophecy announced the Passion, the fight between light and darkness that already showed itself before the crib. The star of Bethlehem shines in the night of sin. The shadow of the Cross falls on the light that shines from the crib. This light is extinguished in the darkness of Good Friday, but it rises all the more brilliantly in the sun of grace on the morning of the Resurrection. The way of the incarnate Son of God leads through the Cross and Passion to the glory of the Resurrection. In His company the way of every one of us, indeed of all humanity, leads through suffering and death to this same glorious goal.

It is only love that can conquer suffering, sin and evil. Love triumphs, the second reading at Holy Mass for the second Sunday of advent reinforces this: that the one who began the good work in you you will bring it to completion by the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1). Love rules, keeps us focused and enables us to endure the waiting.

It's been a long hard week: the pain of people enduring the suicide of a young man, a family coming to terms with a miscarriage, a woman having a mastectomy, a woman attacking her mother and a support worker outside the bookshop with a baseball bat, ongoing news from a internet friend of a young man with bowel cancer, and so many others; all with their own story. My own woes pale into insignificance almost. For all who have shared with me, in the flesh and over the internet, my prayers continue:

Come Lord Jesus! Come again, into this suffering world and bring peace, hope and healing. AMEN!!

Advent is upon us. The bookshop is busy and hustle and bustle dominates peoples life.

Stillness, silence, waiting, patience is what is needed.

Enjoy this online advent calendar,and you can't cheat by opening the windows and reading ahead of time....

found at postsecret, spare a prayer for troops who are so stressed out that they can only react with such sentiments...

are you out there:

Mais, si tu m'apprivoises, nous aurons besoin l'un de l'autre

or if latin is more acceptable:-

veritas vos liberabit

well three glasses of lambrusco, pasta and salad on a freezing cold night in late spring makes one melancholic, or is that depressed or just lonely for the one one loves???

spring winter summer in a week....

To feed those enquiring minds who enjoy a wide mix of experiences: http://www.neverhappened.org/ - enjoy.

I enjoyed reading Children of Men many years ago. The art and music clips on the site are also interesting... G_7

A friend sent me a neat powerpoint presentation collating some of Mother Teresa's thoughts. During the first months of our marriage in 1981 we were privileged to meet up with Mother Teresa in Sydney during her visit in the International Year of the Disabled..

A couple of quotes from the presentation that really struck me:

If you judge people, you have no time to love them

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love

from plog to blog:



It's a tradition of the Catholic church that when a member of the clergy writes a book, the Pope is sent a copy. Here, in an unusual twist, John Trigilio and Kenneth Brighenti, authors of Catholicism for Dummies, have traveled to Rome to present Pope Benedict XVI a special hardcover edition of their forthcoming Pope John Paul II for Dummies. No predictions on whether it's headed to the bestseller lists or straight to the Vatican Secret Archives.--Jon, Books Editor Amazon books..

Meanwhile down under drought, bushfires and snow are all happening....

I have been battling a laptop that I should have installed Vista RC2 on, not Vista RC1, but hindsight heheheheh....

Master 22 has moved into the new abode, and life goes on with friends visiting for meals and the vegetable garden underway...

Gentle readers I hope that all is well with you all, for all will be well! (apologies to the dame from Norwich :0 )

well the extra large photo of moi and the clergy was too big for blogger to process so in the meantime enjoy this puzzle of perception:


It's been a great few days: contact with mothie, mauberly, tfisb, mdw and bronwyn. My brain is congitiving more each day, the dull shock and depression is lifting. The days are getting increasingly warmer. And within a month I will be back living in Canberra again. The hunt for an abode is about to begin.

It's been a while since I have felt like adding to my brain dump into the digital storage chamber. Winter has moved on and spring has sprung. Lenghtening days and warmer weather however do not dispel my anguish on the change in my lifes circumstances. Anguish for me comprises confusion, loss of intimacy and bewilderment in such a mysterious and sudden disruption to life. However the mystery is caught up with the holy and spiritual and I am at peace in my misery.

#72 appears to have been sold and once again 13 appears to have some more than random significance in 2006: the house sale will be finalised on October 13. Hopefully in early October Master 22 and I will be renting a house and some normality of lifestyle will return for me.

I made the local Canberra times again, this photo is not the exact one used but is representative of the published shot: Archbishop Mark Coleridge kissing the crucifix as he enters St Christophers' cathedral to be installed as the the new Archbishop of Canberra and Goulburn.

Finally, a thank you and a request, please keep praying for me. I need those prayers.

YMCA - You must come away....
US-born Archbishop Ambrose B. De Paoli,Apostolic Nuncio to Australia, Fr Peter Brock (seated) and Archbishop Carroll.
I met up with the nuncio again today. The last time had been at the funeral mass for Pope John Paul II, this time was for a book launch.

Archbishop Carroll is on his last weeks as Apostolic Administrator for the Archdiocese, Bishop Mark from Melbourne will be installed next week.

Fr Peter Brock of the Newcastle Diocese who probably holds the record for the number of parishes visited in all the dioceses in Australia, whilst he was Executive Officer for the National Commission for Clergy Life and Ministry, has had a book of retreat talks published. And no he is not the racing car driver, instead an accomplished musician and pilot, as well as a wonderful pastoral priest who for four years was the priest for priests, all over the country! As executive officer he actually spent more time out of the office and was outback - literally.

"You must come away" is Peters' third book I think, published by Spectrum Publications of Melbourne. The book was launched about an hour ago, and is available via the internet site "Abebooks "- well as soon as the computer processes the upload of the books details... The book is based the talks and formats of retreats he gave clergy in most Australian dioceses. Peter hopes that non-clergy will be able to benefit from the book as well.

Hopefully, Fr Francis in retirement may be able to publish a book of reflections of his times both as Bishop of Wagga Wagga and Archbishop of Canberra-Goulburn.

It's an instant world: book launch, blog, advertise... But hopefully many will benefit from turning the internet and television off; and using Peters book to 'rest for a while

I am currently in Queanbeyan, NSW, just over the border from Canberra. A time of waiting for #72 to be sold, and to begin another stage in the life journey. Days are getting longer again, and I cannot wait for spring to hopefully re-energise me and give more joy for life.

Some days are very painful, and the last eight months seem to be just a minute long. The shock, sorrow and suddenness of my change of circumstance almost pushes me into depression. However I keep on, aware that life is very wonderful and that I have so much to be thankful for. World events and even other peoples tragic lives around me keep me very aware that what has happened to me is not such a big deal. It hurts and the onoing estrangement seems weird and bizarre but I know that something wonderful will come out of this suffering.

On the computing front I have been tinkering with windows Vista, a slick and powerful operating system, that even though in beta has performed flawlessly. The folder navigation is great, and the slick sidebar is cute, however the networking implementation leaves a bit to be desired. I was amazed that I was able to get the USB broadband modem working with just a few clicks after reading on the manufacturers site that they were not supporting beta software. Roll on RC1, and more improvements. The only real downside is that a DOS program I use to run the bookshop will not work, I'm hoping support for legacy DOS applications will be present in the release candidate, otherwise I'll have to stick to XP and Win 98 at work. The laptop currently dual boots both XP and Vista. A stuff up with system commander stopped it booting but the Vista installation DVD fixed the problem and also re-activated the Dell Media boot option which System Commander had trashed... A neat feature of vista is its ability to use USB keys as a prefetch hold, to improve memory & CPU usage. I got a 2 gig key and it works well. The downside is that some memory cards eg from cameras are too slow.... never mind, keep the photos on the memory card...

Death has been ever present the last four weeks: friends parents, clergy and neighbours have all passed away, and the realisation that we are born to die hits home hard.

However joy of time with children and good news such as Amy finishing her "walk with a rose" help ease the descent towards depression.

I remain very grateful for all the prayers that are being said for me. I remember all you pray-ers in my prayers !

In less than 12 hours I'll be exiting #72

Goods and chattels are piled high in the shed

I'm housesitting for a friend for a few months until the house sale is settled

Funny how life aint what you expect, #72 I expected to be my home for the second half of my life, after enduring over 30 moves in my first 45 years...

I guess I'll croon "I have been a rover" as I clean the last few cupboards and mop the floors...

I'm just thankful that for the last 26 years loves been good to me. So many great memories, of life lived to the full in so many different ways. Now I prepare for the next 26 years of life, a life that may bring... who knows... but I trust that my faith will continue to deepen and my heart and mind remain open and loving.

Thanks, gentle readers for sharing my life over the past years, watch out for Graham?? coming later this year! For all those who pray and send good thoughts my way, I remain totally indebted to your care and concern. Thanks so much.

later...

Nigerian scam. Internet cons, tricks of the electronic age: scammers can drive you to bizarre and even murderous behaviour.
I have great compassion for Mary.

My last post promised more darkness posts, I had come across a book that gave me the idea of quoting selected passages from it and then reflecting on them. Too easy and probably a little disingenuous on my part. So I won't go down that blogging path, yet...

Meanwhile life goes on. The past week I have had early starts, putting in time at the bookshop, then off to the Australian National University until 10.30pm or so each night selling books at the National Charismatic Conference.

The conference this year was used to run a signs and wonders seminar featuring a guy from England, Damian Staynes who is a full on Roman Catholic, but convicted of the power of Jesus to heal people today. His message was an orthodox mix of Catholic teaching with Scripture,Church Fathers, the Catechism and Papal statements all getting full credence but also proclaiming the power of God in providing people with prophetic words and healings. He was no smoke and mirrors operator full of smooth talk; instead demanding people turn to God and turn off the television, that they spend more time in prayer and less time just wasting time. He draws on some of the teaching of John Wimber and Smith Wigglesworth.

On the Thursday evening there was an open night, for healing ministry. Over 800 people turned up (including the 300 conferencees') Damian, suffering jet lag did not preach a very inspired message but when he started praying for people to be healed, healings there were! Peoples shoulders, ears, knees, spines et al! Praise be to Jesus Christ! Damian demanded people not claim that they were healed unless they actually were. He was almost rude in challenging some people who thought they were healed. The most amazing thing for me was the healing of a teenage girl who had been suffering muscular dystrophy running and jumping around the hall after being healed. All up there were at least 90 healings, and Damian said some people would find that their healing would happen over the next few days, so probably all up 100 or so people have a new perspective on their health.

I came away from the week with a deeper desire to pray more. I find that I am a "great one" to pray when things are difficult but then I start coasting again, and just give lip service rather than a deep committment in my heart and mind. So I am going to start trying to maintain a regular deeper prayer life.

I was given some personal words of knowledge,and also had the most amazing experience when I asked for prayer about what to do with a sum of money. I have been trying to decide what to do with $40,000 and so I asked a woman to pray with me that I would know the Lords will. So we started praying, and all I could sense or intuit was that God was telling me to give a customer back $10.00. Originally this customer had said she was going to buy 4 CD's by a particular artist so I offered them to her at $20.00 each, however she only ended up buying one of those, and selected a brand new CD which I charged her $29.95 for, $49.95 in total. She had expressed some unhappiness about that. I decided to give her the $10.00, and then felt very peaceful through the rest of the prayer time. I did not get any amazing answer as to what I should do, but decided to keep seeking the Lords will about the $40,000.

I took the money to the customer, and apologised for causing her any distress. I went back to the book table, and ten minutes or so later the customer came back wanting to give me the $10.00 back. I said 'no, I believe God wants you to have it.' She said she would put it in the offering box. I said I was OK for that, and that as far as I was concerned all I knew was that God had told me to give her the money. She said 'are you sure?', and I said yes, and explained how I had sought prayer about $40,000 and all I could sense during the prayer time was to give her $10.00. Her face changed and I thought I had upset her more.

But she explained that the previous evening a friend had visited her at the conference and she had not paid for her friends meal. The cost of the meal $10.00! So the meal got paid for, and you gentle reader have had something to read from me!

Anyway enough of my spiritual adventures. Life is not just prayer and wonders. I am off to the pub with Master 22 and his mates for a beer tonight. I think Jesus would have had a beer or two, too after a week of healing and prayer!

Human existence is a journey of faith and, as such, goes forward more in darkness than in full light, with moments of obscurity and even profound darkness.
Benedict XVI, March 2006.

I have held these words close over the past three months. However, I do not feel that I am in darkness, more so that I am called to the light to understand the way forward.

Darkness is no enemy, seeking the light in the darkness is what matters.

more darkness posts to follow...

Johnson Briggs / Mega Loans Agency - beware this scammer dude has left London and now operates from Portsmouth - SCAM ALERT! If you have googled Briggs re an offer of money if you send tranfer monies to him, read the following and do not go down the same path as this email correspondent:

Hi there,
This is ***** who recenlty had wired some transfer money to Mr.Johnson Briggs
in Portsmouth, UK.
However, after I wired the transfer fee to him, I never got his message back
to me on when I will get the loan.
I just do random searach of "Johnson Briggs" on the google , and I came
across that your blog do mentoined about his name.
Please, I would like to ask you how is this guy Mr.Johnson Briggs is like,
is he a decent guy?
I am askthing this is because he has not replied my email for 3 days after
his company ( Mega Loans Agency) picked up the 335 USD trasnfer money I just
sent.
I am wondeirng is Mr.John Briggs a geniue guy to turst? Please let me know

*****

I replied to this email suggesting police and bank should be informed, however no doubt the money was wired through the usual channels and my correspondent has lost $335.00 USD - another scam victim. Mr Briggs obviously is staying one step ahead of the law....

However this savvy blogger had a bite of briggs. sweet!

quote of the 1/4 century found tonight whilst packing up books:

"we learn in school to value information more highly than behaviour"

'tis true, 'tis true.

And I won't allow my self to sing "if I could turn back time" {insert} wry sad emoticon {/insert} or "can we start again please."

Yet hope for good times, healing and a future of a relationship restored but different, probably apart but at least friendship is my dream. The future is unknown but anything is possible.

May is one of the best months of the year in Canberra, warm days, not too hot, not too cold. Today was "stay at home, Sunday", an unexpected chance to get back into the garden and weed, weed, weed, prune, tidy up the detritus and dead vegetation. The clock is ticking down to my departure from #72, a dream that was short-lived due to the complexity of lifes circumstances. Memories will always remain happy and positive until December 2005, when life began to change due to my ignorance of what was unfolding... Regrets, sure I have a few, but the reality of the good times far outweigh the nightmare of what I lived through in December and early January.

Meanwhile I guess I should post a reflection on that movie... "I have to get to a library - fast." I have not seen the movie, but what a thriller heh! How many libraries still retain quality books these days? No use of a handheld internet capable PDA or phone, no it's a modern drama that has such scintillating dialogue. I'll wait for the DVD release. Every radio station, every TV channel, and I guess the print media has multiple reviews... People want something to generate excitement but it does not excite me. I read Holy Blood, Holy Grail, books about Rosyln and the Green Man et al in the 1990's so I guess I was ahead of the pack. Reading the DVC I guessed the ending about half way through. I have not bothered to read any of Dan's other books, the feeble characterisations and abrupt location and event changes did not enthuse me to try his other novels...

I have been listening to audio books each evening. Richard Rohr & Paula D'Arcy on midlife, and the Journals of Thomas Merton. Much more interesting and affirming for the journey I am living. I remain sane, eating and praying well. Thanks again to all who remember me in your prayers. Gentle readers, may your life be blessed, also!

Here's to Amy, the hero of Walk with a Rose an upcoming a charity event that will take place in June and July 2006. Over eight weeks, Amy Banson will attempt to walk 1463 kilometres (910 miles)from Brisbane to Canberra.

Amy decided to undertake the walk as a fundraiser after caring for Clea Rose in the minutes after she was struck by a stolen car in the center of Canberra in July last year. Clea later died from the brain injuries she sustained as a result of this crime.

Wonderful and inspiring things come out of tragedy.

Wintry weather has arrived in Canberra. It's cold! The coldness is mitigated somewhat by the appearance of various species of parrots on the grassy verge outside the golf course directly opposite nos 72, however some days white cockatoos take over and drive the "beautiful plumage" parrots away.

Night comes quickly and the darkness falls suddenly. Clouds dark and menacing roll over Canberra but little rain ensues. I remain full of hope, love and faith. I have an inner joy that resonates with the oft quoted comment of Mother Julian all will be well.

Patience is my new middle name, I wait expectantly for the miracle that one day will turn sadness into joy. Once again thank you to all who email me with concern and compassion. Your love enables my love to continue to blossom. The waiting game continues. In the arms of God I continue to "live and move and have my being."

May God bless you also gentle readers!

I wander past post a secret occasionally.
This postcard got me thinking about the differing attitudes to life, victim mentality, positive world view, christian and buddhist perspectives. The concept that "I suck" is sad, life is a bowl of cherries, and if we get lemons we should "make lemonade". In the aeons of time that the known universe represents our life is very short, and there is only the now, not yesterday or tomorrow. Our now is a time to rejoice and be glad, and celebrate all that is worthwhile. Not negating our foibles and errors but accepting them, attempting to change, exulting when small changes are made.

I don't accept the "I suck" mentality. I know that life is wonderful, and exciting and past errors should be acknowledged and life goes on. Everyday is an occasion to make others feel good and welcome in the great mystery of life. Sure I feel down at times, overwhelmed, almost crushed but there is an energy within that tells me that life has changed not ended and I keep on keeping on. I aint one to think that "i suck."

Cooking for one seems to be an acquired artform. Thank goodness for plastic containers that keep the extra food for the following evenings' meal. Whimsical post, huh!

Since I was first self-aware of myself, my relationship with the world, and my need for God, sometime around the age of 9 or 10, I felt secure in my world view.

The events of the past four months however have opened up a chasm-like split in how I view the ways of the world and the ways of God.

I believe in the power of love, of forgiveness, of realising ones own fragility and vulnerability, of acknowledging weakness and failings, above all noting that no-one is perfect in this mortal life, but we keep must keep trying to maintain relationships. Something in the above words echoes the call to love one another, and thus love God, for me.

However society has now decreed the cult of the individual, where one person can claim to be a victim and the other person becomes the powerful evil aggressor who is offered no opportunity other than in adversarial conflict to put ones viewpoint.

As a Christian not wishing to cause distress I chose not to participate in adversarial conflict, and I have taken to heart the call of Jesus to turn the other cheek. I have chosen the moral high ground to act justly and morally. I have been true to myself and my values

In this paradoxical situation 'twixt Christian values and modern societies 'cult of the individual', I have found myself at peace, with a deepened faith and a greater love. Ever conscious of my failings, I also know all that is good within me.

The words of Les Miserables echo continually in my mind and heart and soul: "To love another person is to see the face of God." True love wishes the best for the other, even when one is left bereft and broken-hearted. I may be an incurable romantic, but it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I have taken the path of patience, goodwill, and acceptance. Life is short and truly I have found love leads to suffering.

We live only once and the joys and woes of life truly are the stuff of reality not dreams!

No I did not get an early Easter egg, instead I was given a paschal chocolate lamb. I had heard of them, but never seen one. It came with an Alleluia, Christ resurrected with banner of triumph holy card. In Australia the easter egg, bunny or bilby are more popular but I understand that in Germany and Poland the chocolate lamb is still around. Indeed, it has only been over the past 200 years that the rabbit became an easter symbol, introduced by some greeting card maker.

Easter greetings to all my readers! May something of new life and resurrection come your way over the next few days!

tfisb and SO in Canberra on January 26th

Climbed onto some scales on Friday, I have lost 2 stone since January. Worry and smoking are to blame. I am eating well and actually enjoying the occasional Guinness or stout. It's been busy the last few days, friends and relatives have stayed overnight and it's wonderful to not be the only body in the house.

I am sleeping for longer periods, and actually do not have to get out of bed for a cigarette at 4.00am any more :)

I slept in thise morning deliberately and did not go to 8.00am Mass, I went tonight at 6.00pm at the church that is just down the road. I was pleasantly surprised and uplifted by the people that I knew there. I have maintained contact at my old parish, about 10 minutes away since moving to Nos 72, but it may do me good to start attending the local church rather than the building which has so many memories of good times.

Change comes to us all, and it's important to make changes...

Here's to change!

It's amazing how much time 7 days is.
Last Sunday I was at a really low ebb, and feeling totally overwhelmed by the turn in my life situation.

Interviews with various professional and government organisations has been a great help.

Several days leave from work for the first time this year has also enabled me to relax and chill out and replenish my adrenaline and bonheur de vivre.

So I continue to be patient and accepting of what life is currently offering me.

I want to thank my friends and relatives both locally and internationally for all the support in emails, phonecalls, prayers and other ways....

I am amazed at the generosity - practical, spiritual, monetary, legally and emotionally - that I have been shown by so many.

I have not walked alone the past months but have been helped by so many with different ways of supporting me that I could never have imagined.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!

I have learnt over the past month that perception is now more important in modern society than the truth.

One can act honourably, with dignity, and wear the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune but the law is not interested.

So it's great to be back home, with the familar but altered surroundings. There is much cleaning and gardening to do so I'll only be popping into check comments occasionally.

I do read them all and my emails and appreciate all the support from so many!!!!!!!

Keep on praying my friends, for healing and for a change in perception. thanks G.